Sunday October 19th

No reply from her.

I don’t think I scared her off? I don’t think she got upset and didn’t reply to me? Normally when I say something like that she usually has the last word and says something like “oh if that’s what you want” or “okay bye then” or something.

But who knows.

If she’s gone because I said I’m not a backup plan… And everyone is happy for me “standing up for myself” then why do I feel like shit.

Edit: I texted her and asked why she hasn’t replied. She eventually replied after a bit. But then didn’t reply again so I figured she was with him… I told her “I bet you’re with him right now” no reply. I told her I’d leave her alone. She said stop. I said stop what? I added her on Snapchat to hopefully see if she would add me. Or where she is. She sent me a snap of her flicking me off. Followed by her and her ex… Then her ex kissing her. I said “I knew it. Knew you were still with him” she said “I’m only with him because he fucks me unlike you”. I said ” okay? I was going to come see you tomorrow” she said “come see me” I said “nah you have him. You don’t need me anymore” She said “I know I don’t need you” So I replied “well, you just said it yourself. You don’t need me. I’ll let you go… Again. Have a good life” And I stopped texting her.

Saturday October 18th

She texts me around 9am saying “come see me” I immediately remind her that she chose her ex over me.

She then says they broke up. I tell her I doubt that considering I saw the photos just yesterday.

She said he’s a liar and he lied to her face multiple times.

I still reminded her that I’m not a backup plan because things fell through with him.

This was at 10am.

Its now 1:21pm.

Friday, October 18th, Day 5

She posts a picture on Instagram of her sitting on his back while he’s doing pushups.

Her caption is something to do with “he’s so hot” and stuff.

It gave me that uncomfortable warmth all over my body.

It really is over. I just can’t believe it.

She finally found her ideal guy. He’s got the hair color, muscles, tan, she actually posts photos of them together, and calls him hot publicly. That’s more than she ever did when with me.

I think its that time I stop visiting her Instagram and her tumblr. All it does is hurt me.

Wednesday October 15th, Day 3

Looks like I won’t hear from her again.

All the stuff she said about breaking up with her ex, well I guess they are fine now.

She posted a photo of them kissing, on Instagram, caption “we are so perfect”

It really made me think about how perfect for her he really is.

She has always said she wanted a ripped, tan, black haired guy. And he is all of those.

He actually has muscle definition, unlike me who is skinny as fuck and only a little muscle.

So he actually is her ideal guy. He may not have the blue eyes but whatever. He’s what she wants.

And since he and her live near each other, if she ever wants to see him… He’s right there.

I’m just going to accept it… It’s done.

There is no going back now.

She will continue to see him daily, and that will lead to nothing but me counting the days.

She’s happy now…

Tuesday, October 14th Day 2

I talked yo a buddy while working out.

He said he feels its not the end of me hearing from her.

I don’t think it is either.

Just give her some time to think about things.

I know her numbers. She will text me.

But I can’t just sit and wait for that to happen. A month went by last time and she ended up depressed because she believes I left her.

Maybe it’s for the best though.

Monday October 13. Day 1

No text today. Only seeing her post photos of herself to tumblr. Pretty much asking for attention. One bikini pic saying beach bound. One of her face which is her new Facebook picture saying it should have a lot of notes.

I guess that’s it.

Her last words to me were “I love [ex boyfriend]”

great thing to hear, right?

Sunday October 12

She texts me today a bunch of our photos together and says “so you don’t forget”

I thought she deleted them all.

She said she missed me.

She said she hoped I find someone who treats me right.

We had a nice conversation, but it turned into us pretty much saying goodbye. Kind of.

Edit: the conversation kept going. She asked if we should be friends with benefits and I didn’t know how to respond. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend and she couldn’t trust him. I ended up saying yes, but she mentioned we would only be sex partners and not cuddling, no cute stuff and she would end up fuxking other guys too, so I said no. She begged me. And I told her I couldn’t. When I mentioned seeing her tomorrow she said she would have to think about it. She told me she was going to the gym and would text me later. She texted me later saying “we shouldn’t talk anymore” I said “okay.” She said “I love (ex boyfriend)” I said “I respect that. Alright. I hope you have a nice life” and we haven’t talked the rest of the night. Tomorrow starts day one again. At least she’s posting to tumblr and Instagram again so I can make sure she’s doing alright. :/

October 10th and 11th

She replied to me this morning saying “yes we do”

And I proceeded to remind her of what she said before. She seemed sad.

It sucks.

Because she was being nice to me. Saying she wanted to know how I was. How I was doing. I didn’t even tell me.

She said “I will always love you. You will always be my baby and I will always be yours. And if we see each other in the future and you have another girl I’ll let her know too. Trust me”.

I Dont know how to interpret that. But it looks like day one without contact from her starts tomorrow…

Well she didnt talk to me today. So that was day 1. She’s also posting to Tumblr again. She posted a lot today. A song that talked about love and “missing him forever” and a picture saying “remember me” I fucking miss her so much If she asked to come see her. I would. That’s so sad.

October 9th, Day 10

She texts me at 9:08 saying “Garrett”

I don’t reply.

She texts me at 9:14 saying “We Need to talk”

I still don’t answer. As far as I’m concerned there is nothing her and I need to talk about.

1123 my phone rings once and stops. It was her. It was her new (what I assumed) temporary number. I don’t know what to think of this. On one hand if Shea depressed and wants to run away again or kill herself and I don’t say anything I will regret it the rest of my life. On the other hand she’s probably looking for attention from me. For no reason. I don’t know. 1238 i made the mistake. I responded the only way I could “no, we don’t”. Because its true. We have nothing to talk about. She made it perfectly clear we were done, we were no more, she despised me and even said if I attempted to talk to her that she would kill me. I shouldn’t have responded. After I reread my own words I realize that. So dumb of me. She threatened to kill me. She said she cheated on me. I couldn’t hold out for the night? I could t just keep ignoring her until she said something to me again? Maybe an apology? No… I’m so fucking weak.